Des Vu

by Marcela Homsany

Buenas, 

¿Como estas? Perdon que no te he podido hablar- he estado soñando. Con el tiempo que pasa, me he dado cuenta que nunca me voy a levantar. Tal vez es el ritmo de tu esperanzas que me tiene dormida and dreaming/ I can only sing to you about my fears/ how one winter morning/ I cherished your voice/ singing happy birthday to me/ how the next/ the only voice heard was mine/ screaming for you to just take one more breath/ sing me goodbye/ while you lay next to me/ my sweet screams reaching the heavens/ where your song once set its path/ now your soul sits in front of a panel of judges/ I crushed your hand/ 3 squeezes I love you/ fingers intertwined, please squeeze back/ I need to remember how it felt/ when your sweaty palms warmed my ever so cold hands/ now it is your hands that are cold, and the sweat of my palms are replaced my tears/ and the blood has rushed from my hands to my head/ I cannot give you the warmth and life you once gave me/ my hands now hold a cold misshaped rock/ I set it on your grave with the memories i have of you/ how easy it was to hold your hand/ how hard it is to hold this rock/a voice cracked due to water damage/ I was 32 when you died/ I don't know how I'm going on without you/ empty of these hands/ my eyes are opens/yours collapsed/ the wind building up the courage to blow me into the abyss/ started running from this life to the next/ i used what you left me to buy the dream we were gonna live together/ but I can't outrun the emptiness i feel without you/ there's a city a see out my window/ pockets of life who never knew your name/ your youngest son was 1 when you left / he never celebrated a father's day/ I can't shut the blinds of these windows/ some nights, you are those pockets of light/ some nights, those lights help me see/ why you left, I will never know/ desires of man have never  outweighed those of Gd's/ to be tripped in the race to paradise/ I'm beginning to forget things/ the price I pay for the sins I've committed without you/ my partner in crime has been replaced by your ghost/ Jamil/ to what importance/ there are people in my room who claim they are my children/ who are they, Jamil?/ a mother can never forget her children/ I cannot recognize the beings before me/ they told me I have 5/ but only 2 stand in front of me/ one must be the son who never saw a father on father's day/ the other must be the one who didn't get enough/ they stand sour at each others' sight/ but where are my daughters Jamil?/ buenas? / hello?/ I miss you Jamil/ a sip of espresso/ a sip of a life with you/ a single lick of the lips/ i am bound to the clock of recollection/ the echo of your song caged in my memories/ this chair is comfy and i dreaming/ I cannot say where you've went/ where you will no longer be/ with a white glow that refuses hunger/ fragments of your face appear in each one of these men/a phantom has replaced my reflection in the mirror/ my mind has erased into the screams of your name/ I sit in a chair looking out the window, wondering when you will come back home/ beyond the pockets of light and shades that you used to close/ a purple spring night lifts my eyes to yours/ I have lived this life more a widow than a wife/ but those memories have been replaced with the sound of your voice.